From Jimmy Kimmel Live! co-head writer Danny Ricker comes a self-help manifesto for parents on the brink of despair, guaranteed to help you reclaim the three things you lost when you had kids: your time, your money, and your mind.

You used to be a person. A real one—with hobbies, expendable income, and sex that was at least semi-annual. But then you had kids, and the more you became a parent, the less you became yourself. You love your children deeply, but most days you feel like nothing more than a butler in sweatpants. That ends today. (Just the second part. You can still love your kids.)

Wow, You Look Terrible! is a beacon of hope to beleaguered parents across the globe. The revolutionary child-rearing techniques within will teach you how to:

• Save money on soccer by having your child join a cult
• Throw your kid’s entire birthday party in 17 minutes flat
• Get shredded abs while pulling your toddler out of a bounce house
• Rid your life of the Easter Bunny once and for all
• And much, much more!

With a foreword by late-night scamp Jimmy Kimmel, and brimming with perfect advice, harrowing tales, quizzes, charts, scams, schemes, swear words, and bold-faced lies that will tip the balance of power back in your favor, Wow, You Look Terrible! will make you a bona fide human again by setting you on the righteous path of parenting less and living more.